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Sweat. Inability to move. Bitten insides of a mouth. Invasive thought: “They all think I am stupid.”
Social anxiety is something everybody will experience at least once in their lives. As our routines become more individual, it’s okay to feel anxious in social situations because they’re so scarce. Remote workers, for example, became 20% more socially anxious since the COVID-2019 pandemic [1].
While experiencing social anxiety from time to time is completely normal, remember that communication is not a personality trait reserved for extroverts. It is a skill shaped by self-awareness and practice. This article teaches you how to talk to people to build your confidence over time.
Why Is Communication Important Altogether
Humans are social by design. Yes, modern workplaces and hobbies restrict our social nature. But communicating is our need. Our nervous systems respond to connection and disconnection almost as strongly as they do to physical threat.
Our communication skills are jump-started in childhood. The interactions with parents are the blueprints for the future. How? You can find out here how parents unconsciously influence your personal relationships and career growth.
Strong communication benefits nearly every area of life:
Healthier relationships.
Clear expression of needs and desires reduces misunderstandings and builds trust in romantic relationships, friendships, and family ties. One couple study showed that couples who practice positive communication (compliments, active listening, healthy anger, direct, yet considerate tone) are much more satisfied with their relationships and are happier individually [2].
Effective and more enjoyable work.
Employees see communication as the most effective driver of productivity. Honesty of supervisors, management board, other teammates improves collaboration and promotes early problem-solving. McKinsey shared that improving social skills at work can boost productivity by 20-25%! [3]
Not to mention that communication at work is important because it decreases turnover. Would you want to leave a job where your supervisor is considerate and easy to understand, and all of your colleagues are open to fruitful discussion? Unlikely. So says research that found employees left their workplaces 30% less often when internal communication was improved [4].
Stronger self-esteem.
Exchanging knowledge with fellow humans pays off. You feel more comfortable and confident because of our brains that reward human interactions. Moreover, speaking confidently reinforces the belief that your thoughts and experiences matter. Especially if you made a good impression.
Reduced stress.
Interacting positively with other people triggers a fireworks of dopamine. Cortisol, a hormone associated with stress, is significantly lowered and is exchanged for oxytocin, a hormone linked to bonding and safety. And we didn’t even mention venting or getting emotional support. That brings a variety of other feel-good hormones that reduce stress.
7 Communication Tips on How to Talk to People
1. Fake Confidence Until You Make It
When you relearn how to talk to people, the behavior is what comes first. Most likely, it’ll feel uncomfortable. But remember the rule of positive change: “Action is first. Then comes the feeling.”
Social skills expert Leil Lowndes describes a “straight-shooting” style: speak clearly, avoid excessive qualifiers like “maybe,” “I think,” or “sort of,” and get to the point without apologizing. Pretend like you’re an expert on the topic. Would the expert use “I guess”? Unlikely. If you make a mistake, accept the comment gracefully and thank people for adjusting you.
But confident behavior doesn’t imply aggression. It’s a mistake we learned from toxic leaders and inaccurate representations on TV. Confidence is simply treating all parties with respect, including yourself. Instead of saying, “I was just wondering if maybe we could possibly…” try, “I’d like to suggest we try this approach.”
From a psychological perspective, this works because your brain reads your own behavior as evidence of your competence. Yes, you can trick your brain by just pretending. When you act confidently, your nervous system gradually learns that the situation is not dangerous. Even if your voice shakes slightly, staying direct can reduce overthinking.
2. Work on Non-Verbal Communication
According to the 7-38-55 rule developed by psychology professor Albert Mehrabian, only 7% of meaning comes from the words you say [5]. Most emotional meaning in conversation comes from tone and body language. Here are three techniques to improve your non-verbal communication:
“Flooding smile”
Instead of flashing a quick automatic grin, let your smile spread naturally across your face, as if seeing the person genuinely made your day better. Let your smile appear gradually. This feels much more authentic than nervous “ha-ha” in between lines.
“Big-baby pivot”
When someone begins speaking, turn your whole body toward them. That’s how to show full attention in non-verbal language. People tend to feel valued when they sense you are physically and emotionally present.
“Triple nod”
Nodding is a nonverbal invitation for a person to speak longer. It’s like saying, “I am so interested. Please, go on. I understand you.” A slow triple nod, so nodding your head three times makes people talk 3-4 times more. A person who’s talking perceives triple nod as three dots, but in real life.
3. Mirror the Person You’re Talking To
Humans tend to feel more comfortable with people who seem similar to them. It’s one of the most ancient protective instincts that still influences our behavior. So, how to practice it?
- If the person you’re speaking with talks softly and leans forward, you might lower your volume slightly and adopt a more engaged posture.
- If they are animated and enthusiastic, try to be more energetic, but so it seems natural. Obvious imitation feels artificial.
- Repeat the last words they’re saying. For example, if they’re saying, “Yesterday, I went fishing,” you may mirror, “Fishing?” to invite them to speak more about their fishing trip.
4. Use Personal Information
Small talk is good, but deep, beyond-the-surface conversations are what bring the most satisfaction and trust. However, in order to get to this level, we’ll have to unlock and use some relevant personal information.
Communication experts call this technique a “naked introduction.” Don’t introduce yourself as “Mary.” Say, “I’m Mary, I teach second-graders,” or “I’m Mary, John’s cousin. WE had so much fun in childhood.” What does this technique do?
It adds a hook and invites another person to ask you more questions, at least, and share their own personal information, at most. If they mention they just moved cities, you might ask what surprised them most about the change. If they talk about their role at work, refer back to it later in the conversation. Remembering details tells a lot about your attention and respect.
5. Share Information About Yourself
Imagine a conversation where only one person asks questions and the other answers. We see either a job interview or a police interrogation. Good conversations are balanced.
A helpful technique is what some call the “Hansel and Gretel” method. Instead of telling your whole life story, drop small breadcrumbs about yourself and let the other person decide whether to pick them up. For example, you might say, “I started hiking last year,” and pause. If they are interested, they will ask where you go or how you got into it.
Sharing about yourself also signals authenticity. When you reveal your interests, values, and even small vulnerabilities, you allow the other person to relate to you as a real person, not a show you put on for them. Mutual disclosure is what builds long-lasting relationships, not trying to impress someone.
6. Use the “Boomerang” Rule
The “boomerang” rule is simple: treat people the way you would like to be treated in conversation. If you want to feel heard, listen carefully. If you appreciate thoughtful follow-up questions, offer them one.
Avoid the temptation to one-up someone, especially if someone shares a really important achievement. If a person you’re talking to says they ran five miles, resist replying that you ran ten. It might feel relatable, and you’d like that extra dopamine from validation. But instead, you can add, “I’m into running too.” This answer can invite them to ask you more questions.
7. Don’t Try to Be Perfect
The main reason why social anxiety is common nowadays is that people assume social interactions have to be “flawless” to be effective. But conversations cannot be perfect, and trying to make them so creates more tension. Admitting small moments of awkwardness can actually make you more relatable.
You might say, “I get a little nervous at networking events,” with a smile. Most people will respond with empathy rather than judgment. It also helps to get the answers instead of overthinking their intentions. If someone seems distracted, they may simply be tired. If they look serious, they may just be focused. Not every neutral expression is criticism.
Communication becomes easier when you stop trying to control every impression. Imperfection is part of human interaction. People usually respond more warmly to sincerity than to polished performance.